Last Moments
by Comix and Co
Summary: A one-shot, written three times from my disorganisation. Voldemort can not believe it when he finds out he's finally killed his nemesis Harry Potter, and thus has a panic attack. Hilarity ensues.
1. Initial Shock: The Original

**A/N:**** In order to tidy up my stories, I am collecting these three one shots into this one story. It's easier! This one was called Initial Shock, and is the original one, which I lost.**

* * *

><p>"AVADA KEDAVRA!" A jet of green light shot out of the Elder Wand. As soon as the devastating spell was cast; a pale bald man's unmanicured hands flew up to his pale- wait, I already used that word...- white face, protecting his firey red eyes and his non-existant nose. For a moment he stood like this, his arms around his giant cream head. This man was Lord Voldemort. After a minute, a knarled finger broke away and he peered through the gap. Voldemort scanned the scene. There were trees. And it looked very forbidden. That was good, because they were in the Forbidden Forest. On the floor were leaves. That didn't make sense because it was almost summer. Also on the floor was a young teenage boy with jet black ruffly hair and, if we turned him around, round rimmed glasses. His- Voldemort's not the boy's- red flecked eyes stared at the boys unmoving body. "Was that it? Did I do it? Is he dead? No, he can't be dead! He's just pretending isn't he... Yes, yes he is." He closed his eyes, apparently waiting for something. Apprehensivley, he opened them. The boy still lay there, not breathing. "But... But... no! Why isn't he breathing? Why doesn't he breathe? This defies nature! Why won't he wake?" His thin hands flew up into the air in expiration.<p>

"Um... My Lord?" Fenrir Greyback, the werewolf said from beside him. "The boy is dead. Gone. Poof. You killed him."

"What?" His hands now dre to his mouth as Voldemort gasped, "But this isn't... That's not possible! He's the Boy-Who-Lived, not... uh... Boy-Who-Lay-On-The-Floor! But... But..." He promptly began to hyperventilate. "Nar... Nar... Blonde lady! Check him! He can't be dead! I'm not that... I'm not that lucky!" As soon as the words came out of his mouth he began choking.

"Oh no... Oh no..." Worried Lucius from Voldemort's other side, the left I think. He placed his long, stylish black pimp cane on a green velvet pillow that popped out of nowhere and tapped the baldo on the shoulder. "Inhale, my Lord! In out, in, out, in, out."

Narcissa ran over to the dead body and whispered to it, "Is Draco Malfoy still alive?"

"Pretty sure he is, but I'm not his Keeper!" The body whispered back, surprisingly. Meanwhile, the Deatheaters were trying to calm Voldemort down.

"Think of a happy place!" Inputed Dolohov helpfully.

"Happy place..." Wheezed the Dark Lord. "Beaches... Forests... Mountains... In bed with Bellatrix..."

"Ew bad mental picture!" Screamed Yaxley. Rodolphus Lestrange spun around to face the panting lord and pointed an accusatory finger at him (and it was manicured too, not like those horrible ones of Lord Voldemort!).

"Aha!" He aha'd. "I knew it! I knew something happened between you and her while I was in Azkaban! I've loved her since we were 15, and all this time she was loving you!" Lucius outwardly winced at the mental picture. "I can't believe this! If it wasn't for the fact that Potter was dead- he is dead, right?" Narcissa nodded. "Thought so. If it wasn't for the fact Potter was dead I would leave right now! You know, in fact I will!"

"Wait... Rod, if I were you I wouldn't do a Snape." Rookwood advised.

"Well I will!" And with that, Rodolphus stalked outside the clearing to find somewhere to burst out crying in peace.

"Poor Rod." Stated Yaxley.

"This place is like a bloody soap on telly!" Dolohov rolled his eyes.

"So... So he's dead?" Voldemort addressed Narcissa, having stopped hyperventilating/choking.

"Dead as a Pheonix." Nodded Narcissa.

"Can Pheonixes die then?" Asked her husband.

"I think so," she shrugged.

"He's dead." The only sound was a thump, and a tuft of leaves being uplifted. Voldemort had fainted from shock.

No less that five seconds after Voldemort fell, Harry Potter got up, dusted himself down and sent Voldemort to Azkaban via his wand. All of the Deatheaters stared at him in a mixture of shock, amazment, and amusement. Harry looked at them.

"You didn't see anything." He said darkly, before retreating into the shadows.

"So did anybody hear about the fact that Bellatrix got killed by Molly Weasley earlier on?" Narcissa asked into the silence. "I know she was my sister, but... wow!"


	2. Last Moments: The Re-Write

**A/N:**** This is the re-write. It was written for Skylar of Hufflepuff, as a gift... I think it was for being a milestone reviewer on HVD? Nevermind.**

"Avada Kedavra!" A jet of green light shot through the clearing of the ForbiddenForest, hitting a teenage boy square in the chest, knocking him down. The caster of the Unforgivable spell was stood with his pale, unmanicured hands covering his eyes.

"Did I do it?" He was muttering to himself, "Did I do it? Did I hit him? Did I kill him? Of course not, he's the boy who lived what am I thinking of course I didn't..."  
>"My Lord?" Lucius Malfoy, a long blonde haired man who you could mistake for a girl said, "My Lord, are you okay?"<p>

"Is he dead no he's not he can't be I'm not that lucky trust me I know him we shared the same brain for a year he just won't die I know he won't, I missed, didn't I..." The pale man muttered, sounding just a little bit crazy. Slowly, after what seemed like an eternity, he separated two of his fingers and peeked out to see where his enemy was. This is what he saw: A body, crumpled on the floor. He was not able to see the young boy's face, but he could see the back of his head, and as his jet black hair was messy, Voldemort knew that the boy who lived had died. He put his hands down.

"My Lord?"

"He's not moving..." Voldemort said, "He's not moving... Why isn't he moving Lucius?"

"My Lord, he's dead." Lucius told his Lord.

"D... D... Dead?"

"Yes, My Lord."

"But... But... But he can't be! That's not the storyline! Life hates me it's not going to let me win! He can't be dead! He can't be!" Voldemort said, "Narcissa," He turned to Lucius Malfoy's wife, who, for some reason, looked exactly like her husband, except she had a dignified pose, and a more defined nose. On the other hand, Voldemort had no nose at all. but that's beside the point. "Narcissa, go and... poke him."

"Poke him?" Narcissa frowned.

"Yes. Poke his face. Tell me if you're SURE, if you're absolutely sure he's dead." Voldemort ordered. He couldn't be dead, he couldn't be... Life loved Harry Potter, it wouldn't hand it over to death! Surely the spell should have rebounded and killed him instead! Narcissa Malfoy walked over to the unmotionless body, and crouched down. She pretended to poke and prod the body, but she really just asked the boy a question, hardly moving her lips.

"Is my son okay?" She whispered to him.

"How should I know I'm not a Guardian Angel!" Harry Potter replied quietly, so quiet that even Narcissa had to strain to hear him, "But last I saw he was alive and playing darts with some other Slytherins."

"Good," she murmured, and then stood up. "He is dead, My Lord." Voldemort's eyes widened.

"W...W... What?" He asked, breathing fastly and heavily. "No... No... It can't be... He can't be... It wouldn't..."

"My Lord?" Lucius frowned. This was what the Dark Lord wanted, was it not? To be rid of Harry Potter once and for all? So why was he freaking out over the fact that he'd completed this task?

"It should never... I didn't think that... I never meant that... But..." Voldemort's eyes bulged, he was having trouble breathing.

"The Dark Lord's having a panic attack!" Screamed a nearby Deatheater whose surname was Rockwood.

"Are you sure?" Asked the Deatheater next to him.

"Yes! And we better help him because he doesn't seem like he can breathe!"

"But are positive?"  
>"Yes!"<br>"But are you certain?"

"Of course I am!"

"Are you convinced you're certain?"

"YES!"

"Have you got a degree in knowing when a person's having a panic attack?"

"SHUT UP! The Dark Lord's going to faint if nobody helps him to breathe, and to calm him down!"

"But are you positive your sure that your convinced your cer-"  
>"SHUT UP!"<p>

"Fine." Yet another Deatheater ran over to Voldemort. This was Avery.

"My Lord, calm down! There's nothing to worry about! Harry Potter's dead, we've won!" Avery tried. Voldemort chocked on breath.

"I think that's what he's having a panic attack on, Avery. I don't think he can grasp the concept of his nemesis finally dying." Rockwood said from the sidelines, sounding a bit like a physiatrist.

"Are you sure, Rockwood?"

"Yes."

"Could he not be chocking on a grape?"  
>"Have you seen him eat any grapes since the battle commenced?"<br>"Well, no, but... Are you positive?"

"Yes, now somebody go help the Dark Lord before he dies and we all end up in Azkaban, again!"

"Oh, right." This time, Dolhav the Deatheater ran to aid his evil master. "My Lord, think of somewhere nice and calm. A beach, it's quiet and the waves are lapping around your feet... Uh... A mountain, peaceful and serene."

"Don't they mean the same thing?"

"Shut up Avery I'm trying the best I can! Um... A lake! You're in a boat, and it's rocking gently amongst the waves... Um... You're torturing somebody! They're face is consorted with pain, and their holes pierce the night air! Somewhere calm and relaxing..."

"I'm not sure, but I think you just misused the word consorted."

"Avery, I'm not telling you again, shut up!"

"Somewhere peaceful... Calm... Relaxed..." Voldemort shuddered, starting to get slowly calmer. "A mountain... A beach... In bed with Belletrix... Yeah..."

"Eeeeew bad mental picture!" Wormtail squealed.

"I thought you were dead!"

"So? Just because I committed suicide in the books! They never showed my Death scene on screen, so therefore I'm not TECHNICALLY dead!" Wormtail nodded triumphantly. "So there!" Amongst this, someone was stood, frozen, and for once it wasn't a petrified Muggleborn. It was Rodolphus Lestrange (Who, I'll have you know, would be offended if he knew he was on the same line as the word Muggleborn.) He stood frozen, horrified at what he'd just heard. No, not the whole Wormtail is alive thing, the thing before that.

"I knew it," He mumbled.

"Sorry Rod, we didn't hear you." Lucius grinned, "Stop mumbling and speak up!"

"I knew it," Rodolphus said, louder this time. "I knew you were cheating on me, Belletrix! You were all, 'let's spoil our honeymoon and go start working for this guy Voldemort! I hear he's really se-evil!' and I didn't want to work for him, or spoil our lovely honeymoon in Hawaii that I spent LOADS on, but I agreed, for your sake, and then rotted in Azkaban for God-knows-how long while you had broken out and ran free helping out your Lord. I should have known then that it wasn't the same between you and me anymore, but I was blind! I was blinded by my unrequited love for you! I didn't even notice you sneaking out to go visit him during the night and coming back all breathless and giggly! I didn't WANT to notice! But here's the proof! And, do you know what?" Rodolphus paused, "We're over. All of us! I'll file divorce papers in the morning! And YOU- Mr. I-Can-Come-Back-Using-My-Awesome-Horcrux-I-Made-Ki lling-Lestrange's-Pet-Dragon, I will no longer serve you! That's right! I'm leaving the Deatheaters! Right now! Just you try and stop me!" He turned and strode away.

"Rod, it's not going to help anything by you just doing a Snape!" Lucius sighed, while Belletrix stood near him, biting her lip slightly guiltily, slightly angry she'd been found out.

"I don't care!" Rodolphus shouted back. "Lestrange had left the forest. Thank you, and GOOD NIGHT!"

"Wow, I'm reminded of East enders!" Wormtail commented.

"Why aren't you DEAD yet!" Howled another Deatheater I can't be bothered to name. I think it was Travers, but I could be wrong. Anyway, amongst all this drama, something else had been happening unbeknownst to Voldemort and the Deatheaters (And the ex-Deatheater Rodolphus). Harry Potter, the boy presumed dead but we all plus Narcissa know he isn't, stood up. Now his wand was pointed at Voldemort.

"It's over Tom!" Harry said. "Now you almost killed me, like you did 16 years ago, or was it 14 years ago, I don't know... Now you almost killed me, all your Horcrux's are destroyed! There's nowhere to hide! And now I can wreak all my anger on you!"

"What is he on about?" Asked Lucius.

"Yeah he's a Gryffindor!" Nodded Dolhav. "When Gryffindor's get angry, they just shoot birds at a ginger or yell a bit at a Mudblood and a ginger!"

"You killed my parents," Harry scowled, "You killed Quirrel, in a way... Cuz, you know, if you'd never used him I wouldn't have been able to burn him with my awesome burney hands... But yeah, you killed Quirrel! You killed Myrtle and made us all go through torment having to have a hormonal ghost watch us bath-" There were giggles at that point, "You almost killed Ginny, which by the way, I hate, since I'm dating her now, you killed that Ministry worker, which actually I don't mind I never really knew her..." Harry trailed off. "But yeah you still killed her! And that Muggle gardener, what's-his-name! Who'll tend to the gardens now, huh? You didn't think THAT one through, did you? Then you killed Cedric! Cedric! The only cool Hufflepuff that was out there, you know, until the whole Vampire thing, but he was cool, and you killed him! On one hand, that made Cho Chang available to date me, but also it pushed us apart, because she was a dead boy's girlfriend, and, you know that cheating on a dead guy is really wrong! Then you killed Sirius! Sirius! The only person I had as a family! Then you kind of killed Dumbledore! Even though Snape killed him, you had Dumbledore sentenced to death! In a way..."

"What's your point, Potter?" Asked Voldemort, okay now his nemesis was alive again to kill another time.

"Hey, I'm not finished ranting yet! I still have to go through this year's tragedies!"  
>"Yes, yes, loads of people are dead of me now cut to the chase!"<p>

"Fine I'll go to the end." Harry gave in. "And lastly, you killed the Potions Master. You killed Snape! He loved my mum! In an alterative universe, he could have been my Dad, which is gross, but still! What I'm saying is, in the Muggle world's justice, murder's punishment is death. Why should the Wizarding World be any different? A death for loads of deaths, a life's for many lives unlived- because remember, some of the people you killed had lives ahead of them- they could have a child, which means you took their life as well, and their children's lives, and their children's children's lived, and so on! So, Voldemort, I have no choice," Harry paused for a moment to add drama to the scene, "_Avada kedavra_!" As the spell hurtled towards Voldemort, he nodded and closed his eyes. Yes, this was how it was supposed to end. Potter killing him. The spell hit him. The Dark Lord's dead body hit the forest floor. Everything was quiet for a moment. Nobody moved. Then...

"Yeah I did it, I killed Voldemort, oh I died him, Oh he won't live no more, and he won't come back, like the last time, and I am awesome, totally awesome!" Harry sang, doing a happy dance, "I'm Harry Potter, I killed Voldemort, he is dead, there on the floor!" Then he stopped, suddenly aware of all the odd glances he was getting from the Deatheaters. "Hey! You lot! Apperate to some Aurour's office, NOW! And wait there for your punishments! If you don't, I'll find you, give you a speech like Voldemort's, then kill you. GO!" Deatheaters began to do what he said, surprisingly. "All except Narcissa. She didn't tell Voldie I was alive so she can stay!" Everyone groaned.

"What about her husband?" Asked Lucius.

"Or her sister?" Belletrix added.

"Lucius made me smash a crystal ball, which is bad luck, and Belletrix- don't get me started. I'll save it in case I need to do a speech on you, because there's quite a lot you've done." Harry nodded, "So, you two are not excused. Oh, and Wormtail?" Wormtail looked up. "Kill yourself like you were meant to, please." Wormtail sighed, he knew it was inevitable, then started to strangle himself. Soon the glade was empty apart from Harry, Narcissa, and the two dead bodies.

"Well," Grinned Harry, "I believe this was a pretty successful day, do you agree?"

"Yes," nodded Narcissa.

"Brill. Now let's go tell everybody else that Voldemort and Wormtail are dead, and get Auror's down to their office. The Auror's offices aren't air conditioned or have central heating, and knowing the Deatheaters they'll have all gone to the same one, so we'd better hurry." Harry nodded, and together they made their way back up to the castle.


	3. Last Shock: The Combination

**A/N:**** This is the final in the series. It is a combination of the original and the re-write, in some hilariously crazy result.**

Voldemort and his gang of Deatheaters were sitting on the floor of a dark forest clearing, playing duck duck goose. It was a guy named Garett's turn.

"Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck..." He repeated as he walked around the circle. It was a very big circle. There were a lot of Deatheaters. The only ones who weren't there was a random Deatheater, who was looking out for Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, who hadn't been seen all evening, and Snape, who Voldemort had killed earlier that day. Oh, and the other few Deatheaters that had died sometime during the evening. Garett was almost around the circle. "Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!" Voldemort was tapped on the head. "You're the goose my Lord!"  
>"I'M NOT A GOOSE!" Voldemort thundered, "AVADA KEDAVRA!" He hit Garett with the killing curse and he died. "Nobody calls me a goose and lives to tell the tale." There was a very awkward silence. A young girl who was there with her brother because their parents said they had to spend 'Quality Time' with each other made a fist and held it out. Her brother fist pumped her.<p>

"Iuan!" She practically screamed, "That wasn't a fist pump, you idiot! That was an awkward rock!" There was another awkward silence. Then, breaking the silence, was the random Deatheater I told you of earlier. He ran into the clearing.

"My Lord, My Lord! Potter doth approach, my Lord!" He squeaked in olden timey language.

"Everyone, places!" Voldemort called, and everyone jumped up, running to take the place they'd been appointed to earlier for when Potter showed up. They were all in place. Two Deatheaters specialising in evil make-up sprayed Voldemort's head with some 'Evil Shine Spray', and gave him a few breath mints, which he chewed. Some other Deatheaters moved the branches around so they would make an ominous light shine down to the clearing. A conductor in the background had his orchestra tune up for the background music. "This has to be perfect." Somebody ran up and gave him tiny cue cards. He nodded. He had his speech all planned out, even though it was quite simple really. All he said was 'Harry Potter...' Dramatic pause. 'The boy who lived...' Dramatic pause. 'Come to die...' Annoying pause. Cast curse. Laugh triumphantly, or the worse outcome, break down crying because you just destroyed your second to final Horcrux. Speaking of Horcruxes, Nagini slithered up and around her Master's feet so he could look even more menacing. He had his speech all planned out. Five mintues later, Harry Potter turned up, and he seemed as if he had his speech all planned out as well.

"It's over Tom!" Harry said. "I know you're going to kill me, so now I can wreak all my anger on you!"

"Potter, what are you on about?" Asked Voldemort.

"Yeah he's a Gryffindor!" Nodded Dolhav. "When Gryffindor's get angry, they just shoot birds at a ginger or yell a bit at a Mudblood and a ginger!"

"You killed my parents," Harry scowled, "You killed Quirrel, in a way... Cuz, you know, if you'd never used him I wouldn't have been able to burn him with my awesome burney hands... But yeah, you killed Quirrel! You killed Myrtle and made us all go through torment having to have a hormonal ghost watch us bath-" There were giggles at that point, "You almost killed Ginny, which by the way, I hate, since I'm dating her now, you killed that Ministry worker, which actually I don't mind I never really knew her..." Harry trailed off. "But yeah you still killed her! And that Muggle gardener, what's-his-name! Who'll tend to the gardens now, huh? You didn't think THAT one through, did you? Then you killed Cedric! Cedric! The only cool Hufflepuff that was out there, you know, until the whole Vampire thing, but he was cool, and you killed him! On one hand, that made Cho Chang available to date me, but also it pushed us apart, because she was a dead boy's girlfriend, and, you know that cheating on a dead guy is really wrong! Then you killed Sirius! Sirius! The only person I had as a family! Then you kind of killed Dumbledore! Even though Snape killed him, you had Dumbledore sentenced to death! In a way..."

"What's your point, Potter?" Asked Voldemort, tapping his toe in anticipation and annoyedness. His speech wouldn't fit now.

"Hey, I'm not finished ranting yet! I still have to go through this year's tragedies!"  
>"Yes, yes, loads of people are dead of me now cut to the chase so I can kill you!"<p>

"Fine I'll go to the end." Harry gave in. "And lastly, you killed the Potions Master. You killed Snape! He loved my mum! In an alterative universe, he could have been my Dad, which is gross, but still! I can't believe you, you even just killed two of your own just then while you-" Voldemort was getting bored, so he had no choice, really.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" A jet of green light shot out of the Elder Wand. As soon as the devastating spell was cast; a pale bald man's unmanicured hands flew up to his pale- wait, I already used that word...- white face, protecting his firey red eyes and his non-existant nose. For a moment he stood like this, his arms around his giant cream head. This man was Lord Voldemort. After a minute, a knarled finger broke away and he peered through the gap. Voldemort scanned the scene. There were trees. And it looked very forbidden. That was good, because they were in the Forbidden Forest. On the floor were leaves. That didn't make sense because it was almost summer. Also on the floor was a young teenage boy with jet black ruffly hair and, if we turned him around, round rimmed glasses. His- Voldemort's not the boy's- red flecked eyes stared at the boys unmoving body. "Did I do it? Did I hit him? Did I kill him? Of course not, he's the boy who lived what am I thinking of course I didn't..."

"My Lord?" Lucius Malfoy, a long blonde haired man who you could mistake for a girl said, "My Lord, are you okay?"

"Is he dead no he's not he can't be I'm not that lucky trust me I know him we shared the same brain for a year he just won't die I know he won't, I missed, didn't I..." The pale man muttered, sounding just a little bit crazy. "Is he dead? No, he can't be dead! He's just pretending isn't he... Yes, yes he is." He closed his eyes, apparently waiting for something. Apprehensivley, he opened them. The boy still lay there, not breathing. "But... But... no! Why isn't he breathing? Why doesn't he breathe? This defies nature! Why won't he wake?"

"My Lord?"

"He's not moving..." Voldemort said, "He's not moving... Why isn't he moving Lucius?"

"My Lord, he's dead." Lucius told his Lord.

"D... D... Dead?"

"Yes, My Lord. The boy is dead. Gone. Poof. You killed him."

"But... But... But he can't be! That's not the storyline! Life hates me it's not going to let me win! He can't be dead! He's the Boy-Who-Lived, not the Boy-Who-Lay-On-The-Floor! He's not dead! He can't be!" He promptly began to hyperventilate. "Nar... Nar... Blonde lady!" He guestured to Luicus' wife, who for some reason looked a lot like him but she had partly brown hair and had a more dignified nose. "Blonde lady, go and... Poke him."

"Poke him?" Narcissa frowned.

"Yes. Go and poke his face! Tell me if you're SURE, if you're absolutely sure he's dead." Voldemort ordered. He couldn't be dead, he couldn't be... Life loved Harry Potter, it wouldn't hand it over to death! Voldemort wasn't this lucky. Surely the spell should have rebounded and killed him instead! Narcissa Malfoy stalked towards the unmotionless body, and crouched down. She pretended to poke and prod it, but what she really did was ask him a question.

"Is Draco Malfoy okay?"

"How should I know I'm not his Guardian Angel!" Harry Potter hissed back, so quietly Narcissa had to strain to hear him, "But from what I saw last he was playing Twister with the Slytherins. Crabbe's dead though."

"I don't care about Crabbe." He whispered back and Harry Potter lightly chuckled. Narcissa stood back up. "My Lord, he is dead."

"NO! NO! NO!" Voldemort yelled, one eye twitching.

"My Lord?" Lucius frowned. This was what the Dark Lord wanted, was it not? To be rid of Harry Potter once and for all? So why was he freaking out over the fact that he'd completed this task?

"It should never... I didn't think that... I never meant that... But..." Voldemort's eyes bulged, he was having trouble breathing.

"The Dark Lord's having a panic attack!" Screamed a nearby Deatheater whose surname was Rockwood.

"Are you sure?" Asked the Deatheater next to him.

"Yes! And we better help him because he doesn't seem like he can breathe!"

"But are positive?"  
>"Yes!"<br>"But are you certain?"

"Of course I am!"

"Are you convinced you're certain?"

"YES!"

"Have you got a degree in knowing when a person's having a panic attack?"

"SHUT UP! The Dark Lord's going to faint if nobody helps him to breathe, and to calm him down!"

"But are you positive your sure that your convinced your cer-"  
>"SHUT UP!"<p>

"Fine." Yet another Deatheater ran over to Voldemort. This was Avery.

"My Lord, calm down! There's nothing to worry about! Harry Potter's dead, we've won!" Avery tried. Voldemort chocked on breath.

"I think that's what he's having a panic attack on, Avery. I don't think he can grasp the concept of his nemesis finally dying." Rockwood said from the sidelines, sounding a bit like a physiatrist.

"Are you sure, Rockwood?"

"Yes."

"Could he not be chocking on a grape?"  
>"Have you seen him eat any grapes since the battle commenced?"<br>"Well, no, but... Are you positive?"

"Yes, now somebody go help the Dark Lord before he dies and we all end up in Azkaban, again!"

"Oh, right." This time, it was Dolohov who ran to help his master. "Think of a happy place! A wonderful thought!"

"Any happy little thought?" Chorused all the Deatheaters and Iuan's little sister, who was now sucking a lollypop from Honeydukes.

"A beach..." Wheezed Voldemort, "Mountain... Forest... In bed with Bellatrix..."

"EW BAD MENTAL PICTURE!" Squealed Dolohov, jumping back from his master, disgusted at the thoughts of his Lord. Rodolphus Lestrange spun around to face the panting lord and pointed an accusatory finger at him (and it was manicured too, not like those horrible ones of Lord Voldemort!).

"Aha!" He aha'd. "I knew you were cheating on me, Belletrix! You were all, 'let's spoil our honeymoon and go start working for this guy Voldemort! I hear he's really se-evil!' and I didn't want to work for him, or spoil our lovely honeymoon in Hawaii that I spent LOADS on, but I agreed, for your sake, and then rotted in Azkaban for God-knows-how long while you had broken out and ran free helping out your Lord. I should have known then that it wasn't the same between you and me anymore, but I was blind! I was blinded by my unrequited love for you! I didn't even notice you sneaking out to go visit him during the night and coming back all breathless and giggly! I didn't WANT to notice! But here's the proof! And, do you know what?" Rodolphus paused, "We're over. All of us! I'll file divorce papers in the morning! And YOU- Mr. I-Can-Come-Back-Using-My-Awesome-Horcrux-I-Made-Ki lling-Lestrange's-Pet-Dragon, I will no longer serve you! That's right! I'm leaving the Deatheaters! Right now! Just you try and stop me!" He turned and strode away.

"Rod, it's not going to help anything by you just doing a Snape!" Lucius sighed, while Belletrix stood near him, biting her lip slightly guiltily, slightly angry she'd been found out.

"I don't care!" Rodolphus shouted back. "Lestrange had left the forest. Thank you, and GOOD NIGHT!"

"This place is like a bloody soap on telly!" Iuan's little sister rolled her eyes, "Which reminds me... Did you record Coronation Street for me?"

"No," Replied her brother. "And who likes Coronation Street anyway nowadays?"

"I DO!" Iuan's little sister screamed.

"Well, that seems to have worked." Voldemort said, recovering from his panic attack. "Now where were we... I believe we were playing duck, duck, goose?"

"No, my Lord..." Bellatrix frowned, obviously he had forgotten what had happened due to a traumatic experience of finding out his nemesis was dead. "You've just killed Harry Potter. You were-" She was cut short by a thump and a tuft up of leaves as Voldemort fainted.

No less that five seconds after Voldemort fell, Harry Potter got up, dusted himself down and sent Voldemort to Azkaban via his wand. All of the Deatheaters stared at him in a mixture of shock, amazment, and amusement. Harry looked at them.

"You didn't see anything." He said darkly, before retreating into the shadows. Everyone looked at each other.

"So," Iuan's little sister said, "Whose up for a game of Cluedo?"

"YEAH!"  
>"That sounds fun!"<p>

"I WANNA BE CORNAL MUSTURD!"  
>"WELL I WANNA BE A STARSHIP RANGER!"<br>"I'M A STARSHIP RANGER!"  
>"You're drunk."<p>

"NO, I'M DRUNK!"

"LET'S DO THIS!"

"Shouldn't we be running for our lives since good won?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"... You're such a killjoy, Lucius."


End file.
